"The house is inhabited by a middle-aged man," I said, "notable in appearance for the fact that the side of his head is caved in."
"Ew," said Mike.
"It looks like someone mashed his head in with a mace," I tell him. "In a world without magic, an injury like that would never have been survivable."
"Er, hello, I say," said Mike.
"He looks at each of you. Adventurers, he says. I was killed by adventurers."
"That wasn't me," said Carl. "I'm pretty sure it wasn't me. And I put my mace down on the floor. We're just here to ask you some questions."
"Can you roll medicine?" I ask.
"I have that," he said. "Never mind. I rolled seven."
"Okay," I said. "He grunts contemptuously and returns to his cooking pot. Whatever's in there, it smells pretty bad."
"We've been to the ruined church," said Carl. "We've been to the crystal grotto."
"You have his attention now," I said.
"We've used the altar," he said. "Show him," he said to Mike.
"I get out the stone from my backpack, pop the catch, then release it," said Mike.
"Okay," I replied. "It starts orbiting, just like before. He laughs. Sounds like you've got everything in hand, he says."
"Not quite," said Carl. "We haven't located the realm."
"He laughs again. Good, he says. And he returns to his cooking."
"I stow the stone again," said Mike.
"I'm tired of this," said Carl. "If you don't tell us what you know, I say, I'll give you another dent in your head to match the first one."
"Go ahead, he says," I said. "They'll just raise me again."
"I pick up my mace and whack him in the head."
"Okay, roll an attack."
"Fifteen," he said.
"That's a hit," I replied. "Damage?"
"Ten bludgeoning," he said.
"Okay, he goes down."
"I cast cure wounds. He gets six back."
"He gets back up."
"I hit him again."
"Carl," said Melissa.
"I didn't promise not to torture this guy," said Carl.
"Roll intimidate," I said.
"Twenty-one," he replied.
"Okay, unless Melissa stops you, you go through a couple of cycles of this before he's ready to tell you what you need to know. Apparently he's been killed several times in his lifetime, and been raised from the dead by the cult and stuck in this desolate village in the middle of nowhere for safekeeping. He doesn't know why they keep raising him and by this time he would really like them to stop."
"Don't worry," said Carl. "We'll stop them from doing that."
"He knows what the realm is," I said, "But he doesn't know exactly where it's located. Apparently the realm is accessed via a series of teleportation gates. He only knows where one of those is, and he's never been through it. He doesn't know what the phrase beneath the realm might refer to."
"Where is the portal?" asked Carl.
"It's actually quite near where the Village of Retired Adventurers was."
"That's why they were able to find us so quickly!" said Melissa.
"That sounds right," said Mike.
"I'm thinking about how we can keep this guy out of the hands of the cult," said Carl, "and I think I have an idea. Have we got everything we need from this guy?"
"You can continue to ask him questions if you like," I said, "But it doesn't look like he knows much else."
"Okay. I say to him I'm going to kill you now, and once you're dead I'm going to take steps to try and ensure you remain so."
"He nods," I said. "Make it quick," he says.
"I do," said Carl. "And then I cast animate dead."
"Okaaay," I said. "He gets up as a zombie."
"Where are you going with this, Carl?" asked Melissa.
"The spell allows me to directly control a zombie, for a limited time. But I can give it an instruction, and it will continue to follow that instruction until it's destroyed, is that right?"
"Yes, that's right," I said.
"Okay, this is my instruction. I say to it - wait, how close are we to arctic areas in this world?"
"What are you trying to achieve?"
"I want it to bury itself in ice and snow. He can't be raised while he's undead, and hopefully they'll never be able to find him, frozen solid into a glacier."
"Huh," said Mike. "That's actually rather brilliant."
"I also want the zombie to avoid contact with anyone. Can I work that into the instruction somehow?"
I thought for a moment. "Yes, I think you can do that. There is of course a risk that it will be discovered before it gets to the northern mountainous regions, but it will certainly try, and once it's there it won't take long for it to be thoroughly buried."
"Okay - that's the instruction. Go north, find the coldest place you can, bury yourself in ice and snow, and avoid all contact with other creatures."
"Okay, it slinks off," I said. "You lose sight of it quickly."
"Good," said Carl.
"I have to hand it to you, Carl," said Melissa. "That was the most ingeniously gross solution to a problem I've ever seen."
Carl smiled. "Thank you," he said. "Now we need to go find the portal, right?"
"Yes," she said. "Where did the guy say it was?"
"It's in a valley adjacent to the one where the village was, about a day's march away. There's a box canyon with a large oak at the entrance. It's hard to spot from any other angle."
"Sounds like I should be able to find it," said Melissa.
"Yes, that would be a straightforward survival check." I said.
"Now?" she asked.
"Go ahead," I said.
"Twenty three," she replied.
"Good roll," I said. "You've found it."
"What does the gate look like?" asked Mike.
"There's no gate here," I said. "Just an empty box canyon."
"Are you sure he wasn't lying to us, Carl?" asked Melissa.
"You're pretty sure," I said.
"This wasn't my first time torturing someone for information," said Carl. "It's obviously hidden somehow, probably by strong magic. Can we camp out behind a ridge or something and wait for someone to come along and use it?"
"Yes, you can do that," I said. "It only takes a couple of days. A group of four humans comes up the canyon. Are you trying to stay hidden?"
"Yes," said Carl.
"Roll stealth."
Carl winced and rolled the die. "Oh, seventeen!" he said, pleased.
"Twenty," said Melissa.
"Four," said Mike.
"It's okay, it was a group check. They haven't seen you."
"Everyone stay quiet, no matter what happens," said Carl. "We need to watch this."
"Agreed," said Melissa.
"Yes," said Mike.
"They come to the end of the box canyon," I said. "It looks like they're having a bit of a party. They sit on the ground and pass around a wineskin. You can't hear what they're saying to each other, but it seems like one of them is a little confused about why they came here. Suddenly the other three turn on him. One of them grabs his arms, one grabs his legs and pulls them out from under him, and the other one draws a dagger. Are you doing anything to intervene?"
"I put my hand on Mike's shoulder," said Carl.
"It's okay, I'm not doing anything," said Mike. "The other guy's watching this, not me."
"Okay," I said. "Can you roll arcana?"
"Who, me?" asked Carl.
"Yes," I said.
"Only ten," he said.
"Okay. You watch while these three people murder the fourth. As the man's blood soaks into the ground and he loses consciousness, a cylinder of pale, sickly green light appears and engulfs all four of them. It gets brighter until they are no longer visible, and then it suddenly blinks out and they're gone."
There was a pause.
"Great," said Melissa. "All we have to do is murder someone to get in."
"I guess you don't have a problem with that," said Mike to Carl.
"Actually," said Carl, "I like my murders to be significant events. They mean something. This casual way that this dude was used essentially as a key cheapens an act which should have great significance."
"Wow," said Mike. "That's as transparent a rationalisation as any I've heard."
Carl shrugged.